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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27735631">Suicidal Tendencies are Self-Diagnosed For Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearsomefigureT9/pseuds/FearsomefigureT9'>FearsomefigureT9</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Favorite blond :D, Graphic Angst, I feel all these things, I want to vent., Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, our, so I thought, why</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 11:28:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>731</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27735631</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearsomefigureT9/pseuds/FearsomefigureT9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I wanted to vent, no one would listen to me and I thought of torturing out favorite blond I'm sorry.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tommy and Me the author and wanting to vent everything as Tommy's character., Tommy/ Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Suicidal Tendencies are Self-Diagnosed For Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>WARNING EVERYONE!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I DETAILED MY THOUGHTS AS MUCH AS I CAN AND I HOPE YOU READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I'M SORRY FOR THE CONFUSING WARNING BUT PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m scared. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m scared. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so fucking scared. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyday I’m told to do all this shit and I feel like they treat me like a maid/butler rather than their brother. I’m scared that in the future, I’ll never find a living. I make up all these stupid fantasies that I believe. And I’m afraid that I’ve gone insane. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They don’t care.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They don’t care. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They don’t fucking care at all.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I remember when I realized that I have a lot of biological issues. I noticed that I speak so loud, thinking no one could hear me. I remember when I started reading those stories, I would contemplate doing those things. I remember how I would be so lost, thinking I was on the right path. I remember how I realized I had insomnia. I noticed how I had ADHD. I noticed that I had severe depression. I noticed that I have Autophobia/ Monophobia. I noticed how I believed all these things. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>But it’s all self-diagnosed. </b>
</p><p>
  <b>No one would believe.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>I’m contemplating ending my life. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>I noticed how I hate it all. The way I expect all the good things to come to me. But what’s there to live for when I’m such a disappointment. What’s there to do when all the things I’ve tried to be good at, I failed miserably. Why do I try, I’ll never be a good streamer. What’s there to love when my drawings represent me. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>A failure.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>A failure.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>A failure.</b>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’ll never be a good animator just like Sad-ist. I’ll never be a good songwriter or musician like Kanaya, Beetlebug, Precious Jewel Amor. I’ll never be a good son/daughter. I’ll never be a good person. I’ll never feel emotions. Because society made me into a shell. And since I’m a shell, God left me and made me into a shell of disappointments, embarrassments, and failures.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody is here by my side. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My friends all hate me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody would want me here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m scared. I’m scared that I would have to resort to killing myself. I’m scared that I would have to experience pain just to have peace. I’m scared that I’ll never be who I want to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>But I have no time. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m so shit at everything. I’m not even listening during online class. God I want to die. But you want me to suffer everyday. Suffer to know that I’m alive the next day. That I have another lie to say, thinking and imagining that I’m some big hot shot. But no. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>You hate me.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Everyone hates me. </b>
</p><p>
  <b>There’s nothing for me to be alive for. </b>
</p><p>
  <b>Until when do I have to live. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s nothing for me to lose when I die right? I’m so materialistic that I’m afraid that I would leave my phone. I’ll leave my clothes, my bed, my notebooks and hoodies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Am I selfless? When I consider everyone’s emotions, feelings and judgement before myself? Is it selfish if I want to run away? Is it selfish of me for wanting to die? Is it selfish of me to try and be a good person? Is it selfish of me to lower my self-esteem at every chance I get and think of my being as nothing but trash? Is it selfish of me to try and break my own mind? Is it selfish of me to self-degradation? Is it selfish of me for wanting nothing but peace? Is it selfish of me to deprive myself of sleep so that i have an excuse to be missing and missing out? Is it selfish of me to be me?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>But why? </b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <b>I just want to die. </b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Someone run a car over me, please! </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Personas are like masks. </b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I wear one everyday.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <b>I wonder who can take off the glued mask on my face and brain. </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tommy doesn’t know. But he can at least think that death was nice enough to accept him to what he believes is his true home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suicidal Thoughts and Idealization is just self-diagnosed. Because no one cares enough to even check on you. No one cares enough to believe no matter how many times you read suicide stories. No matter how many times you are kind to others. No matter how many times you crack suicide jokes. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No one cares at all. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>When will Tommy stop feeling this way?</b>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No one knows.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm nothing in this world.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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